Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you didnt know i had herpes?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
