rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
