I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm gonna fight the coyote
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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