guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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