Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
DO NOT LOSE IT