"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
