My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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