I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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