His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
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I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
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I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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