I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Dicks are not precious.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
