She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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