I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
