If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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