I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The air was thick with penises
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
