Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i out mim tonsoeep
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