you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
