I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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