Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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