This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
