i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
