Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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