You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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