yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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