Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
