Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
