new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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