There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
being pregnant is like rehab
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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