Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
