I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
