when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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