i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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