i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
