We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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