And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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