I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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