ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
