I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
