I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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