the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
