life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
