remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
