evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
