Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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