I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
