I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
