I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
