he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i've created a new STD.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
