I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
