I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
