Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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