matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
