My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
