I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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