Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
