so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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