I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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