Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
