i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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