the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
