hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
