I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
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seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
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Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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