I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
