You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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